Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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