I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
