i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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