Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
