In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
