Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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