She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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