I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
