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Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
