my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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