Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize