It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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