this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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