I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
