so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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