theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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