Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
