How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
