I wish my penis had an off switch
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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