i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
