By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
