the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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