I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
