while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
