I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
