when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
