so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize