I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
