she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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