I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
