My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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