I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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