Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
