At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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