life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
