I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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