So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
