it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That accounts for only three of the penises
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
