your parents love me but you hate me
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
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