I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
