i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
