One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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