Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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