Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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