I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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