one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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