She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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