I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
