You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
