i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
