how can u be prego again
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
