You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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