i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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