i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
