We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
