I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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