I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
