I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
