I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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