so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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